UWriteSports.com - Our Newest Articles

Better Viewing: Birdie Barrage or Struggle?

During yesterday’s first round broadcast of the Honda Classic, Brandel Chamblee mused about what makes for more riveting viewing: watching the field having their collective hey-day with a course, with more birdies than the winged variety, or a back-on-the-heels struggle with a brute of a course or a Mother Nature monkey-wrench (yesterday, wind and non-Florida goosebumps).

Chamblee was in the birdie camp. While those critical birdies in the dying moments of a close tournament are certainly edge-of-the-seat stuff, I get more of a kick watching a day like yesterday, when the pros cope with a course rather than try to tame it.

Every professional golfer out there is excellent at what they do. That seemingly effortless swing and pinpoint precision are the results of thousands of hours spent honing their craft. So, week in and week out, the game boils down to who has the yardage right, the edge with the wedge, and the putting mojo.

The results are usually fun to watch. But, it’s when nature gets cranky that things can get really riveting. Howling wind … downpours …. armpit streaming humidity … that’s when the game plan goes awry and the scrambling begins. Who is better at a knock-down shot? Who can judge a down-wind shot and produce a gem, like Paul Goydos did yesterday in the midst of an otherwise very tough day? Who can keep the emotions under control, take what comes, and seize the opportunities that happen?

Weather-crap days favour the creative player and the player with the even-keel temperament. It’s hard to play but spectator-friendly.

What is sometimes not so fun to watch is the U.S. Open, when officiating mortals manufacture course conditions intended to be a brutal physical and mental test of golf. When done right, like the 2008 Rocco-Tiger show, the result can be outstanding. When botched … like at Shinnecock Hills in 2004, where the first-round average was nearly 79 … the results are ridiculous.

Today in the West Palm Beach area, it is partly cloudy with an expected high in the mid-60s and light winds. A nicely normal Floridian March day. It will be interesting to compare today’s play to yesterday. Same course (except for pin placements), but 180^o different weather. Wonder which round Brandel and me will prefer?

Thank God the Phoenix Open is done

Being a proud Canuck, I was watching today’s Canada-US Olympic hockey final (Yessss …. way to go Sydney Crosby, who grew up about 10 miles from where I’m sitting right now). If that game had not been on, it would have been a golf TV free afternoon for me. That’s rare. But, this was the Phoenix Open (excuse me, Waste Management Phoenix Open … can that title …. cue the groans from the audience at a horrible pun).

I have a real hate on for the 16^th hole at that tournament. Thousands of beery frat boy wannabes who are looking for their 15 minutes of TV fame is the antithesis of what golf is. Thank God it only occurs once a season (except when the US Open is anywhere near New York).

OK, I did watch Ricky Fowler play the last couple of holes. I was pulling for him. But, excuse me, what was he thinking with that lay-up? Maybe there was something going on that I wasn’t aware of. But, when you have your chance, when the two guys you’re playing with are farther back than you go for it and get the green, and you still lay-up. Hmmm. All a part of learning I guess.

Still, I love to watch this kid play. I love his golfing cahones. Winning is near for him. And, when that win comes, it will be at a real golf course, with real golf fans. Good too for Hunter Mahan, another young dude with a great game who looks ready to take the next step. Splendid play coming down the stretch.

Watching the coverage, I did a few fist pumps. I did not, however, swill beer, do the wave, shout out “you da man” or “get in the hole” at decibel 10, and generally act like an ass. I would have been out of place in Phoenix.

I\'m glad to have this tournament in the season’s rear view mirror.

Cheer-peeping 101

I\'m trying a new thing here, called One Of Those Things I Think About That No One Else Seems To. I was watching a college basketball game today, and as they were going to commercial they showed a shot I\'ve probably seen 1,000 times, but never questioned until today - the court-level view of the uplifted cheerleader.

This is a nice name for it; an equally honest name would be the national televising of a young woman\'s vagina.

Does anyone else find it...you know...worrisome, that it\'s considered completely normal at public sporting events to stick a camera up a girl\'s skirt? By way of comparison, go try that at the mall sometime, and see how far you get. The shot I saw was not some far away, zoomed-in view; this was a man standing immediately beneath a girl being hoisted in the air, aiming his camera right at Ground Zero. And what\'s amazing to me is that no one seems to mind. The girl whose hygiene is being broadcast to the world is on board with it, even though the cameraman could potentially jeopardize her safety, should he interfere with the guy holding her up. Although, since she doesn\'t mind being publicly groped by said hoister, I suppose it follows that she accepts someone watching it.

Nor, apparently, does the school mind. It has, after all, in its role as educator, paid for the skimpy outfits and matching underwear of the involved girls, and allowed for the selection of the muscular men holding their asses throughout the games. The more I think about it, they probably encourage the intimate camerawork, the better to display how well they\'ve done at selecting the cheerleaders\' uniforms.

So what about the parents, then? I\'m assuming these girls have a healthy parental situation, or else they\'d be dancing on a pole instead of a sideline. Statistically, of course, there will be cheerleaders from broken homes, the same way there are probably well-adjusted strippers. But let\'s assume, for the sake of argument, that watching Jill The Cheerleader on TV today were her devoted parents, Bill and Sally. When they see their daughter on TV, with her genitals basically on national display, is the reaction shock and horror, or "call Linda, tell her to watch Jill"?

It\'s another example of how desensitized we become to things we see on television. If something\'s on TV, we almost never question whether it actually should be (unless it\'s the tit of a lip-syncher, at which point our national head explodes). But think this through, back to the beginning...at some point, this scenario happened for the first time. There was a game where the cheerleaders were dancing, and the cameraman was nearby, and the director told him "get closer," maybe multiple times, until the cameraman finally realized, "Holy ****, I\'m literally shooting up her skirt right now." And the director probably realized it, and maybe there was a moment in the production truck where people looked at each other with uncertainty...and clearly no one said a thing, because I\'ve been watching cheerleaders\' junk on TV for decades, and only today thought it a bit strange.

Does this mean I\'m old now? Does it make me weird that I\'m wondering about these things? Or is everyone else weird for accepting completely gratuitous crotch shots as part and parcel of watching college basketball? Frankly, this sort of Caligulan camerawork should be an affront to anyone who enjoys the game for its strategic underpinnings. All that camera angle is doing is playing to your most base instincts in a desperate attempt to keep you watching. The broadcast team has clearly decided that the narrative flow of high-level athletics will not be enough to keep you invested in the program - you\'re an animal to them, one that must be satisfied with some of Dirty Uncle Ernie\'s fantasies every time there\'s a commercial break.

My belief is that it\'s the advertisers who encourage this. After all, the point of the commercials is to sell product, and which part of your mind is more receptive to impulses - the intellectual side that values passing, defense, and nuance, or the emotional one, who sees a cute girl dancing and wants to **** her? There\'s a REASON they only show the cheerleaders right before the commercials - your intellectual side is the one that might say no. It\'s just another way to get their hands in your wallet.

These are the sort of things that eat away at me. It seems like EVERYTHING in this country is about either sex or money, and very frequently both. I should have the option of just enjoying a basketball game for what it is, for the unique skill sets it displays, and to appreciate the extremely hard work involved in succeeding at it...but subtlety doesn\'t sell, does it?

NFL�s All-Decade Nickname Team

NFL’s All-Decade Nickname Team

Offense

Quarterbacks: “Major” Tom Brady, “Wallpaper &” Peyton Manning

Running Backs: “Do, Re, Me Fa, So” LaDainian Tomlinson, Shaun “Shrimp” Alexander, “Livin’ on the “Edgerrin James, “Jameel” Jamal “Hasenfeffer Incorporated” Lewis

Wide Receivers: Marvin “President” Harrison, “Tora, Tora” Torry Holt, Terrell “Debit” Owens Randy “A Rolling Stone Gathers No” Moss

Tight Ends: Antonio “Pearly” Gates, Tony “Speedy” Gonzalez

Fullback: Lorenzo Neal “And Pray”

Offensive Tackles: Walter “Mother” Jones, Jonathan “Utah” Ogden, Orlando “Disney World” Pace, William “Meat” Roaf

Offensive Guards: Larry Allen “Wrench”, Alan “Happy Hanakah” Faneca, Steve “Starsky &” Hutchinson, Will “Trust and Estate” Shields

Centers: Olin “Captain” Kreutz, Kevin “Ma-Who, Ma-What, Ma-Where and” Mawae

Defense

Defensive Ends: Dwight “Live” Freeney “Or Die”, Julius “Dr.” Peppers, Michael “Wandering Fingers” Strahan, Jason Taylor “Made”

Defensive Tackles: La’Roi “Mitten” Glover, Warren “Tree” Sapp, Richard “Feel More, Touch More” Seymour, Kevin “Sonoma” Williams

Linebackers: “Oil” Derrick Brooks, “X” Ray Lewis, Joey “Lager, Ale, Stout and” Porter, “Ex” Zach Thomas, Brian “Paint, Stain and” Urlacher, DeMarcus “Tupper” Ware

Cornerbacks: Ronde Barber “Shop”, “Still Undefeated” Champ Bailey, Ty “Martial” Law, Charles Woodson “Come Out Tomorrow”

Safeties: Brian “Hickory, Dickory” Dawkins, Troy “Luau” Polamalu, Darren “Razor” Sharper, Ed Reed “Writing and Arithmetic

Specialists

Punters: Shane “Hannibal” Lechler, Brian “Less Is” Moorman

Kickers: David Akers “And Pain”, Adam “Italian Red Wine” Vinatieri

Punt Returners: Dante “Kids In The” Hall, Devin “Uncle” Hester

Kick Returners: Joshua “MTV” Cribbs, Dante “Study” Hall

Head Coaches

“Stimulus” Bill Belichick, Tony Dungy “And Dragons”

Everbody Loves Chris

Everybody Loves Chris?

2006 yards rushing, 2509 yards from scrimmage and ran for 100 yards in eleven straight games, congratulations Chris!

Chris???

Bravo! Well done Chris. Your accomplishments are a feat that only six others have done before you.

key words: Chris Johnson, Tennessee Titans,

Chris? Hmm. I’m drawing a blank. Chris… Evert? …Chelios? …Paul? …Webber?

Nope, think back.

Chris…ty Mathewson, the Hall-of-Fame pitcher?

Not that far back!

Chris… Rock!

I’ll give you a hint. He’s alive and quite entertaining!

Chris Brown? I just love his song, Kiss Kiss with T-Pain.

No, it’s not him.

Chris Tucker?

Nope. You want another hint?

What’s this, 20 questions, or something?

Johnson.

I’m not playing your silly game; I give up.

Chris Johnson, the NFL All-Pro, Player-of-the-Year, running back for the Tennessee Titans!

Oh, that Johnson! Isn’t he still part of “Smash and Dash,” with LenDale White?

No, not after the year he had, he’s trying to distance himself from that; he wants to establish his own identity--- you know, be his own man.

I don’t blame him, way to go… Chris? On second thought…

Yeah, Chris… It’s about as generic a name as they come!

What about Johnson?

Johnson???

A search of current NFL players finds 31 Johnsons, including receivers, Andre, of Houston and Calvin of Detroit. Not to mention, that there are two other Chris Johnson’s currently playing, one a defensive back for Oakland and one a lineman for Dallas!

What about Chad Ochocinco, even he changed his name from Johnson

Chris definitely needs a nickname.

I agree; let’s Google his name, maybe we’ll come up with something?

Look! Here’s a list.

“Twitch”

“Cop Speed”

“#1 Unstopabble”

“Make ’em Miss”

“Every Coaches Dream”

Really, that’s what people are proposing as his nickname?

I guess so.

I don’t like any of them! “Twitch,” sounds like a serial murder horror flick with a itchy trigger finger.

“Cop Speed?” C’mon! Not with all the speeding tickets and arrests in the NFL.

“#1 Unstoppable,” maybe if you’re a hurricane named Katrina? Besides, he would be a marked man with that nickname.

What about, “Make ‘em Miss?” He did tear off a 91 yard run against Houston, an 89 yard blast-off versus Jacksonville and put an 85 yard stunner against St. Louis.

“Make ‘em Miss” Chris? It sounds too feminine. Besides, what if he gets tackled for a loss?

Then what about, “Every Coaches Dream?”

What if he gets busted for drunk driving, assaulting someone, or worse? Is he still “Every Coaches Dream?” He could turn out to be a nightmare!

Yeah, look at Tiger Woods. On the outside, everything looked fine, but peel back the layers, and “oh, look what we uncovered!”

Every human being has flaws.

Good point! Then what should his nickname be?

Why does he have to have a nickname?

The five other 2000 yard rushers did.

O.J. Simpson in 1973, was known as, the “Juice.” In 1998, Terrell Davis was known as, “T.D.” In ’97 Barry Sanders was known simply as, “Barry.” Jamal Lewis in 2003 was the “Ghost” and in 1984 Eric Dickerson was known as, “e-Dick.”

Uh, …scratch that last nickname!

Yeah, sounds like a gay porno website.

Then what should Chris Johnson be nicknamed? C.J…..

I got it! CJ-7.

CJ-7?

Civilian Jeep, 7^th generation.

What?

Remember the powerful, open air, all-wheel drive, 304 horsepower V-8?

Sort of?

They were great!

But, what does a Jeep and Chris Johnson have in common?

Both are powerful, fun to drive and can score.

You’re right! That’s it! Chris Johnson, CJ-7! Touchdown! 7 points!